I am writing this to you because I have no one else to tell and I can’t keep it to myself any more.
I’m in my mid-30s and a single mother of two — a boy aged 12 and a girl age five. I did not choose to be single and I’m a strong believer in the institution of marriage.
My two children are the outcome of two failed relationships. I love them very much because they are my inspiration and make life worth living.
However, the fact that I’m not married is making my life unbearable. My family, friends, relatives, and even colleagues are all finding it a “problem” and I have to keep lying to the new people I meet that I’m married just to earn some respect and dignity.
My mother claims that my status is preventing the husbands of my three younger sisters from paying dowry because our customs dictate that dowry for a younger sister can only be paid if that of the elder one has been paid.
My sisters and brothers feel I’m an obstacle in their lives, while my brothers have been informed that I will take away a portion of “their land”.
Because of the pressure, I fear going home and have limited my visits there to important occasions like funerals. And even then, the loud whispers of distant relatives, some asking whether I have got myself a burial place, are too much.
I believe the little respect my mother accords me is because I’m currently the only one who is able to assist her financially.
In addition to all this, I’m lonely, so very lonely. It is said that unto every man there is a woman, and unto every woman there is a man. I know my man is out there, somewhere. How can I find him?
Jacklyne.
Jackie,
One must enter marriage out of love and a desire to commit to the ideals of the union. What you are going through is just a reaction to the actions of other people. There is so much going for you.
First, be proud of who you are. You are a complete human being, full of potential and talent. Don’t allow yourself to be consumed by the company of pity parties.
Second, God has blessed you with two wonderful children who need to see a proud mother that loves them. You are the only one who can give them the dignity and self-importance that they need. So live with focus and purpose in life.
I don’t think your immediate purpose is a man in your life. The few relationships you have tried should help you see that marriage, although important, is not everything. Your life and that of your children is the primary thing.
Third, those who desire marriage must go into it for the right reasons and in the right way. Your friends, mother, or those other people will not be the ones getting married to the man you find. Therefore, being clear and sober in the mind will help you make the right decisions.
Though attractive, marrying another man who will become the father of your children is not an easy matter. I know and you know that having a spouse in the house does not necessarily mean having a happy home for you and your children. Take your time, reflect, and pray.
For now, think of your life in the context of the children God has given you, not the sometimes negative expectations of culture. You may need to confront this issue by facing your mother and letting her know your stand.
But please don’t get married just because people want you to. You must do this out of a sincere conviction that it is the right thing to do.
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